CHANGE

An AHA Today while doing my hip circles-

Oh- I could change! The areas of my life, where I felt trapped and stuck.. I can change! This felt so easy, so available. Yet I know I had to work hard to find this movement.

Feeling stuck, has been a certain theme for me recently- I have done several sessions working with my Core Therapist, and in the studio I have been obsessed with a blindfolded, moving backwards dance. While I have been practicing this dance for some time (the inspiration seemed to have intuitively arrived,) a friend pointed out that it is remnant of the nine of swords in the Tarot.

Some fixed beliefs I was expressing in my sessions; I have changed so much and it is up to everyone around me now to change…then more clearly and charged- and I won’t change, I don’t WANT to change, it is too much work, and fuck you for asking! (Who was asking? Life, I suppose.)

So the work was in embodying that resistance, stubbornness, and certainly PRIDE. As my therapist used a cushion pushing against me to represent the current of life, I stood my ground. I WON'T MOVE! I WON'T CHANGE! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME! There was first a pleasure here, yet that gave way to a dizzy feeling, and a deep deep exhaustion. It is exhausting to fight the current of life!

Then I “gave in”, but not in the accepting and surrendering, and come into me and let’s do this kind of way- in a deep collapse, giving up kind of way.

And the challenge here is that it felt good.

I felt permission to escape, to stop trying, to check out. I layed down and felt the weight of life sitting on me (literally as my therapist pressed the cushion onto me) and I felt relaxed underneath it. A familiar sadness arose, the secret joy of Eeyore. Oh well- I missed my train, oh well, life will just pass me by, oh well, I can’t do anything about it anyway, what with life sitting on me- it was an ennui, a resignation to loss of myself.

What a cycle! I can see know the relationship between the stubborn resistance, the exhaustion that causes, the the “permission” to collapse, not try, not care.

Ugh!

So the thing is, if this really was fully my truth, then I would feel no conflict at this point. It would feel great through my whole being, Yes, this is where I should be, how I should be living- here in the weighty collapse. But it is not my truth, it is not the way I truly want to live and be. And I believe, we all know our own truth, even if we have it deeply buried.

The weight that had felt grounding became crushing and painful. It was harder to breath, the feeling of stuckness was creating a panic that overrode the pseudo- experience of comfort. The images of lack, of hollowness, of isolation, the feeling of giving up were all being challenged. That is not really who I am. Who we are.

I push into the cushion, asking-this time- for the flow of life to help me. Can we work together now? Can I lean into you and let you into me?


Two kinds of discomfort- the discomfort of giving in to my pattern of resistance and collapse- the familiarity is alluring but it breeds deep despair and always lands me back in the same place, or the discomfort of deep change- of I don’t know, of yes and thank you, of moving into the unknown calling. Of trying and caring. The vulnerability to shed the ennui and step right into- life- you are in me, you are me, i am you- what would happen if I stopped blocking you?