ALTARS OF RECONCILIATION MAKING THE INVISIBLE VISIBLE

 

THE CREATIVE PULSE

 

What a beautiful, intricate, and incredible thing our bodies are. There is this thing that works on a holographic projection of the essence of our soul, and it is light, energy, then form. It is our veins, blood, neural pathways, organs, tissues. It is our thoughts, emotions, beliefs, and longings.

In rehearsal for Altars of Reconciliation on Sunday I did a meditation practice, followed by a “self-portrait” of what arose during the meditation. Mostly these feel like energy self-portraits.

Here is what I drew: Black inward pointing arrows all around my throat, as many as I could get on the paper. Soft outward arrows around the body. On Tuesday afternoon, 48 hours later, I began to lose my voice. By Wednesday it was completely gone and stayed that way for a week.

 

What gives? The body sent a message, an indicator, perhaps a warning? Energy precedes form. The physical body is the densest layer of the energetic field.

The energetic field is comprised of a holographic projection from an infinite center. The projection is like a fluid, brilliant, outline or blueprint, it houses our deepest, most true essence. The energy body also houses the spikes, arrows, indents, of life experience. Thoughts we think repeatably over time, fear, anxiety, trauma, relationships, place, society, everything around us affects the vibrational field.

It is a two-way street- the flux and movement from infinite center out and from infinite universe back in. In a breath, in a moment, a day, the course of a project, the course of a lifetime.

Our creativity, and our creative pulse are like this. We can use our creativity, and our art-making to consciously work with the process of expand/contract.  Everything we create is like this, a relationship, a human, a home, a business plan, a meal. When the in/out, express/impress cycles are too quick we might have anxiety, we don’t learn as we go, we can feel overwhelmed and overworked. When it is too slow, or fighting through resistance, we can feel depressed and stagnant. Through acknowledgment of the cycle balance is possible.

 

 

PRACTICE

 

Invite the space in the beginning. Allow emergence of what is and what is ready to be worked with, to be brought out to the light. The first step in the elemental cycle is ether- or charged space. What is the current, quality and sensation of holding a charged space or container for your material to emerge. It always has at least partially emerged from the unconscious if we are holding this practice. The unconscious energy ready to be worked with will present itself. In this stage it may shrink from the direct light of pressure to “perform” or from over-analyzes. It needs spacious love and acceptance to come forth.

As the sensation, attraction (to a color, and idea, and object, a movement, that thing that begins to draw you to it) grows, you can work more directly in your explorations. It can take a little more direct contact. Be curious, explore its shape, quality, timber. Does it come in words, sound, movement, color? Be in playful exchange. What parts of you are moving as you do this? Does it challenge something about you, or who you thought you were? Good. Be uncomfortable. Learn from it- it is emerging form a place of large connection that your ego alone is incapable of. Feel pulse of life with it. Allow yourself to push it out a little, this is expansion time.

It is outside of you, it is now a mirror. You have created this thing. There is often a sense of stop here- the meal is plated, the painting is done, the song is recorded, the dance was performed. Because of the excitement of the expansion, you may feel euphoric. You did it! Feel accomplished but don’t disappear in the ecstasy without holding a thread with which to return. Stay present with the creation/mirror on the outside of you. Soak it in, take it in. How does it affect you? How does it affect others? What has this contribution brought to the world around you. Is there something more you need to notice?

The creative process applies to all energies, so this is the process for both construct and destruct. Be honest. Are any aspects causing you or others harm? Can you observe truthfully?

You can also make a beautiful piece of art that deeply studies your shadows. You can do this with minimal harm to the world around you, yet all birth has a violence. Nothing tears through the fabric of our souls without affect. Try to notice without shame. These births are necessary. This is another moment of pause. Of non-doing. The energy is very much outside of you, on the edge of your field, and often in the people around you. Pause here and with honesty and compassion. Reflect, notice, feel.

Like the singularity of a black hole, the point of expansion before the movement of the infinite gravitational center pulls light back in towards itself.

The flow back to center can happen slow, or very quick it is the undertow. It is the water settling into dirt. It is the tree shedding its leaves and pulling its life force back to its root. It is our returning. This is part of the integration, the flowing back in towards your center. After the creative pulse has pushed out, it comes back to you, changed, and can transform you. What did you learn through the arc of the process? What parts of yourself do you need to reconcile in order for the contraction back into yourself to happen. This part is less celebrated, less understood. It need not be dark but notice any resistance. Notice where and why you resist, what you may be stuck in holding unto. Often the returning forces us to rethink who we are. It has the capacity to shred self-identity and false beliefs, and if we are not connected to our own spirit this is disorienting, even debilitating. Yes, what is the cost of keeping this energy stuck, of not accepting that you have been shown more. And is there a secret pleasure tied up in not changing?

The altar inside is the place you started the creation from. It is the place of charged potential, of vibrating emptiness from which your longing and impulse emerged. Fill that space now with the reflections of your creation. With the way you grew and changed. With the mystery. Surrender your lesson to this space. Particularly the ones that are lost on you in the moment. They will be the seeds for your next creation. More love. More surrender.

 

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PERSONAL STORY

 

I was frustrated with a person that I felt did not offer me the support I needed from her. I felt I was doing all the giving in the relationship, and that she was constantly putting me out while looking good and taking credit. This was a hard pebble of a feeling that existed around my chest, inside, and holographically projected into my field of energy.

I went into a movement practice with this- invite, investigate. build, observe the mirror, integrate and lay down the old self. The feeling was sharp, dramatic, and also strong and alive. I let myself exaggerate the energy, push it out and see it thru. Till there was nothing but a wall. A wall created by this feeling. And what really was the feeling, as I brought it out I saw my interest in NOT receiving the support. The way I had made it work for me. My pride as I got to be BETTER THAN, to know more, to JUDGE her and her way in the world. I felt deeply into my pride. I felt deeply into the wall it was creating. I danced that wall, that pride. I was a lioness, ready to rip and rend. I was an aristocrat judging and condemning. I was puffed up and full of myself. I felt the desperate attachment to that identity. I also felt the overwhelming burden of it, of maintaining something that was outside of truth. It takes so much energy to sustain false beliefs. I felt the weight and exhaustion of holding it. How it kept everyone out, I was strong yet lonely inside of it. And how if her help was extended to me, I was in a bind- part of me wanted it, yet if I accepted it, my idealized self-image would be ruined. I danced with it. I asked to know more. I asked to be able to retrieve my energy and essence that I had used to create this pride wall, I asked to be able to bring it back to my center, so that I may lay down the shell that was hurting me. To pull back the pleasure current I had attached to “being right” through distortion and pain, and to help it find its way home.

Through the dance I imagined laying this down at the altar, inside and outside. I imagined it as a sacrifice. Thank you, you are done, release to the fire of transformation. I felt my softness, my tears. I felt the space.

Like taking the red pill, you cannot truly turn back once you honestly see an energy you are carrying. That is the mirror phase. Laying it down in the creative process allowed me to remember. Allowed a shift. Allowed for the integration. We are all made of energy, and we cannot slice away parts of ourselves, it never works. So, the process is to transform what we have, not to cut away or to try to create more. It is already there inside of us. There is place deep within us, a place of perfection where the energy flows with balance and illumination. Ask to see our blocks. We ask to see where we are stopping or leaking the flows. We ask to see our fear, because love and acceptance is our natural state, our habitat, our home.